5 times someone kissed Sherlock Holmes
by Aussieflower
Summary: Basically what it says on the tin.  Crack fic!I wrote this for fun, so please make sure that your expectations aren't too high :   For those who want to read, enjoy.  Oh and as usual, no Sherlock/John slash . Please review x


**Hello! So, this is something COMPLETELY different compared to my usual work, so be warned. I pretty much just write this quickly for fun, so if you expect quality, and in character characters (yeah I know, that sound weird) then you will most likely be very disappointed.**

**For all those who like these sort of fics, enjoy xxx**

_5 times someone kissed Sherlock Holmes_

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**One**

Both John and Sherlock stood there, uncomfortably, as they watched the happy woman reunite with her lost chihuahua.

Well, John was uncomfortable, because if he was honest with himself, the situation was rather embarassing, or at least it had been at the beginning. Unfortunately, after a while, watching the young blonde woman reunite with her long lost 'darling' just got too funny, and John currently had a pain in his sides from trying to hold in his laughter.

Sherlock was fairly unaffected by the situation himself, though he saw it as a waste of time. But he had been bored, and there were no decent cases, so he decided that he might as well help the woman track down her lost dog. He found the poor thing in a flash, and had wanted to go home as soon as he had given the dog back.

John however, had made him stay for a while, because it was _cordial_. If the expression on John's face was anything to go by, Sherlock guessed that he was now deeply regretting his decision.

So Sherlock just stood there, with his hands behind his back, his thoughts somewhere completely different.

Suddenly, the woman came over to Sherlock (holding the Chihuahua safely in her arms) and kissed him full on the mouth.

"Thank you so much for finding my little sweetheart for me" she said, positively gushing and went over to kiss John too.

Sherlock's eyebrows rose to his hairline, and he frowned, trying to wipe the look of disgust off his face. He had already deduced that this woman lived on her own but had many boyfriends, worked as a model and was definitely not the brightest of people.

But he hadn't seen this coming.

John had a glazed look on his face, probably happy with the big smooch he had just received.

Sherlock cleared his throat and turned to go, John following him.

"I think that was rather fun." he commented, as he pocketed the blonde's number.

Sherlock could only roll his eyes in return.

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**Two**

"So, I heard you like solving crimes?" Jane asked, and leant forward, trying to make eye contact. Sherlock sighed in annoyance.

"I consider it my job" he replied, and sat back in his chair, crossing his arms and scowling. John kicked him under the table.

"What?" Sherlock hissed. He was in a pretty pissed of mood at the moment. John had had the fabulous idea to double date and had somehow managed to make Sherlock agree to his plan (Sherlock had absolutely no idea how he had managed it. Nor could he understand how he could ever actually have agreed to it.)

"Be nice!" John hissed, trying to be subtle (failing miserably), and turned back to Sarah with a smile on his face.

Sherlock sighed, annoyed, and turned back to Jane. He hated these types of women: clingy, determined, flirtatious. Jane was all of these, and had set it as her personal goal to seduce Sherlock by the end of the night. She got her way with most men, why not this one?

"I am a consulting detective" he supplied, and puffed his chest out slightly. Jane's eyebrows rose.

"Ahh" she said, clearly not understanding. "So tell me about your cases, _detective_."

Sherlock sighed. Usually he would be very eager to impress, but tonight he just wasn't in the mood. His mind kept drifting to all sorts of other things he could be doing (analysing the criminal's DNA to see if it matched up, bug Lestrade about a new case, annoy Anderson, have dinner with Irene, play his violin etc. etc.).

"I have to keep my cases confidential" he said, and looked out the window. Jane did her best to supress her frustration.

"Do you have any particular interest?" she asked, picking a different subject for them to talk about. Next to her, Sarah was chatting happily with John.

Sherlock didn't reply, he hadn't even heard her question. He was thinking of Irene and was annoyed that she still hadn't texted him – it had been 2 months since her last visit.

Ahhh, now he knew why he had agreed to this. He had been trying to make Irene jealous, when she had shown up at 221B with yet another wedding ring on her finger. It was her fault he was stuck in this mess then.)

"Excuse me" he said suddenly, probably interrupting whatever Jane had been saying. "I need to go to the bathroom."

Without waiting for an answer he walked away, and remained oblivious to the fact that Jane followed him.

She was determined to somehow break this man. No one had ever ignored her like this.

The second they were out of sight she pinned him against the wall and kissed him on the lips. She expected Sherlock to kiss back, but he remained completely unaffected.

They spent the rest of the evening in silence.

John never invited Sherlock along on another double date again.

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**Three**

Sally had absolutely no idea how it happened, but after the experience she resolved never to drink alcohol again.

One second she was drowning another round of shots with her girlfriends, celebrating her birthday, when she spotted Sherlock in the bar and decided to make her way over to him.

Her girlfriends cheered her on. After all, he was a sexy attractive man, and he seemed to know Sally.

Sherlock had come to the bar after the horrible double date. He had originally wanted to go back to the flat, but he realised that he hadn't taken his keys and was locked out until John came back (which could be a while.) The pub was close, and it was easy to remain unnoticed in the crowd.

Or so he had thought.

He spotted Sally Donovan making her way over to him, and from the way that she had trouble walking in a straight line, he saw that she was drunk. He dimly registered some noisy girls in the background yelling incoherently, before Sally suddenly pressed his lips against his.

Sherlock was totally dumbstruck for a moment, and couldn't move. He didn't have experience with these sort of romantic relationships, and now he had been kissed by women twice in the same evening.

Sally must have been very drunk, because she had been kissing him for 3.5 seconds and still hadn't pulled away in disgust. He was currently so shocked that he could barely move.

After a while Sally suddenly realised what she had just done and pulled away, a mortified expression on her face.

"Oh my god!" she managed to sputter, and taking a step back. She turned scarlet. She couldn't believe she had just kissed the freak.

Sherlock simply sighed and walked out of the bar, deciding that he should really avoid women this evening.

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**Four**

Interestingly, it's just not women he has to avoid.

It's John.

The whole situation is extremely awkward.

He is standing there, in front of several of John's friends, while John gives him a peck on the lips.

He does his best to try and somehow ignore the situation, though seeing he is the one being kissed, it's not really possible.

Apparently, John made some sort of bet with a person when he was drunk or whatever, which he lost.

And because he lost it, he has to kiss Sherlock in front of everyone.

John blushes as he pulls away, even though both he and Sherlock know that the kiss meant absolutely nothing. They may be a couple, but, unlike what everybody thinks, neither of them is gay.

Sherlock simply rolls his eyes when the whole crowd cheers. Some people laugh, others boo because they had expected a more passionate and enthusiastic reaction from Sherlock.

John shifts awkwardly, and looks at Sherlock with a 'please don't be mad at me' expression on his face.

"Even Sally Donovan kisses better than you" is all Sherlock said, as he walked away.

This kissing business was really getting on his nerves.

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**Five**

Her hands are running through his hair, scratching the scalp slightly, while his pin her firmly against the wall. She probably started the kiss, but Sherlock is kissing back, not because he is drunk, or on drugs or because he needs to distract her, but because he wants to, as strange as that sounds.

It's been almost 4 months since they've had any sort of contact with each other. She's been finalizing the divorce details (he can't help but smirk at that and part of him is strangely relieved and satisfied) and he's been busy with cases (proper cases, not like the ridiculous one with the dog).

They're both making up for lost time.

Irene takes over then, this is what she is experienced at, more so than him. He lets her take control, this being the only time he willingly submits.

"Dinner?" is all she manages to ask between gasps, and Sherlock doesn't even bother replying. He simply nods, and picks her up, so that her legs are positioned around his waist and carries her into his bedroom.

Maybe this kissing thing isn't so bad after all.

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**I hope that any of you who actually bothered to read this liked it. :) I am currently kind of obsessed with these 5 times… fics, so I will probably write more in the future. Some may actually be proper and better quality pieces of writing than this one was. Anyways, please review!**

**Laura **


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